Almost Lover
by averynolan
Summary: Spencer is lost somewhere deep in her own make believe world until she runs across Ashley and her two children. Her pretend world finally comes shattering around her, leaving her to see the love in the real world.
1. Prologue

**Title: **Almost Lover

**Author: **Valentine Nolan

**Authors Note:** This one I hope to put time and effort into it. I also hope to be patient while writing it and not rush through it to just get to the good parts. I am a college student now with a lot of free time, so I hope I use it to develop my writing abilities. I am experiencing some tough times healing mentally and it will be reflected in certain ways throughout this fic. I hope it will be capturing and keep you reading.

I am trying something new, getting inspiration from several songs for this one. The title is taken from the song 'Almost Lover' by The Fine Frenzy, but you will see other inspirations in here. I will create playlists as I write.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own SoN characters. All disclaimers go to Tom Lynch and The-N. Though, original characters are mine.

**Rating: **R for the moment. Most likely there will be some NC17.

**Summary:** "And when you left, you kissed my lips. You told me you would never forget, never forget these images. No, well, I'd never want to see you unhappy. I thought you'd want the same for me…"

_**Almost Lover**_

**Prologue**

_Goodbye, my almost lover..._

The exact moment wasn't given to her to recognize that she was becoming a different person; she only became conscious of it later, sitting in the garage with her head resting on the steering wheel, that she noticed the small, little shift that had snaked its way into her compulsive mind. The woman that Spencer Carlin had been was immune to the outside world, wrapped up in her tangled mind to even realize the effect reality had placed on people. She was a broken girl who quoted song lyrics instead of finding her own voice; a lyrical girl buried too far deep into herself.

Maybe that was why she didn't recognize the foreshadowing of the events that would have taken over her life. Even with her analytical and over compulsive brain, she continued to ignore what had been placed in front of her as she stood in front of the towering apartment complex on that rainy day not so long ago. Maybe she would have noticed the tiny pieces of stone shattering in her mind, or that she became less wound up and could almost differ between the imaginative realities she constructed around herself and the real world under her feet.

She could simply look back on that rainy day with open and wide eyes. The warm Californian sun was gone and replaced by large gray clouds. It had been a stormy week, the air musky with mist and heat. It was between the moments that the songs had changed from The Ting Tings to Aretha Franklin on Spencer's iPod that the three figures were brought to her attention. It was in this day that the three figures stood on the steps. At first, they were invisible to Spencer, not included in her little pretend world. But then…they became unquestionable. They became just as real as the skin on her body or the music pumping into her ears. She remembers feeling her heart beating harder against her chest, i"What am I seeing?"/i She had grasped onto a box filled with clothes in disbelief that she was noticing people, i"Are they real?"/i

Maybe it was the way the older brunette affectionately buttoned the bright red rain jacket over the small child, or maybe it was how the other child watched Spencer with curious, open eyes. Maybe it was how the older brunette called the two children 'Princess and Prince' that drew them into Spencer's world. Maybe they had been a manifest of the blonde's over active mind, trying to rid itself of the constant loneliness.

The scene could easily be explained to any normal person, but to Spencer's analytical brain it was becoming new lyrics to a song that would continue to play out in her head. Over and Over and Over. The older brunette, checking each child to make sure they had become rain proof. She checked the security of the boy's red hood, who had become interested in the crimson pants he wore as he outlined the tiny gold designs with his little finger. Then she zipped up the girl's French inspired jacket as the young eyes still looked curiously at Spencer. In the lyrics of the song, the oddity of taking the children to play in the rain with brightly colored Princess dresses and Prince's pants would be noted.

It must have been the way the brunette called the children different names then what they were given. Or maybe those were simply their names and she had gone against the grain of the normal reality. Either way, Spencer noticed them, and their unconventional names, and had continued to notice them. That itself was a miracle to anyone familiar with the young blonde. It was a simple miracle that involved a broken girl recognizing something real and tactile. It was a simple miracle because it involved a loveless girl experiencing the definition of unconditional love. Or maybe it wasn't a miracle at all, but simply fate itself working out the kinks that life sometimes placed on innocent people.

It didn't matter to her then, and it certainly didn't matter to her now if they were apart of the real world or simply a figment of her imagination. They had become intruders who had unintentionally made themselves into her mind and rid her of the protective amour that she had worn. The three royals had become as much apart of her as anything else. She could simply see that they were different from everyone else. Ashley, the lone twenty six year old single mother with her two children; Pan, four years old, and his younger sister, Ofelia, who had just turned four, was, in fact, very real, and had pulled Spencer deeper and deeper out of her carefully constructed reality and into the real world.

Instead of looking at these events with doting love and affection; something that she could learn from, she saw these things as tributes to the unbreakable chain that she had bound herself to throughout her whole life. Instead of seeing unconditional love, she saw the heartbreak that was about to become bestowed on her if she didn't act immediately.

Maybe that is why she was sitting in the garage, head against wheel, and breathing in toxic air. Finally, she was taking some amount of control over her life.

_Goodbye, my hopeless dream…_

**So, are you interested? Or no? I sorta need to know…**


	2. Chapter 1: Ex Lover is Dead

**Title: **Almost Lover  
**Author: ** Valentine Nolan  
**Authors Note: ** This one I hope to put time and effort into it. I also hope to be patient while writing it and not rush through it to just get to the good parts. I am a college student now with a lot of free time, so I hope I use it to develop my writing abilities. I am experiencing some tough times healing mentally and it will be reflected in certain ways throughout this fic. I hope it will be capturing and keep you reading.

I am trying something new, getting inspiration from several songs for this one. The title is taken from the song 'Almost Lover' by The Fine Frenzy, but you will see other inspirations in here. I will create playlists as I write.  
**Disclaimer: ** I do not own SoN characters. All disclaimers go to Tom Lynch and The-N. Though, original characters are mine.  
**Rating: ** R for the moment. Most likely there will be some NC17.  
**Summary: ** "And when you left, you kissed my lips. You told me you would never forget, never forget these images. No, well, I'd never want to see you unhappy. I thought you'd want the same for me…"  
**Beta/Cool person:** Thank you to my wonderful beta Alexis D! And thanks to Karen for helping me develop my thought!

**_ Almost Lover._**

bPart One 

**Chapter One: Ex Lover is Dead **

_**It's nothing but time and a face that you lose…**_

She had only been free from the confines of the hospital for exactly fifty three hours to the T. The freedom was scratching at her brain and giving her a massive headache. The dripping rain from the clouds above wasn't helping her at all. She never realized why they let her out of the hospital. Of course, she was probably able to take care of herself, pay her rent, but to be completely honest she took silent comfort in between white, clean walls and rooms with group therapies. Her secrets had been splattered all over the walls and left invisible residue from the intensity of its power. Those bleach clean walls of the hospital displayed many collages of her struggles and defeats.

She doesn't remember the girl who she was before she entered the hospital. She doesn't remember just how bright her forget-me-not blue eyes had been. She doesn't remember the sun kissed hue that had once colored her skin. She doesn't remember the happiness of a childhood or the taste of her father's cooking. She simply doesn't remember what has been buried so deep under many layers of dead skin and cover ups. Instead, Spencer knows just how dark her azure eyes can get. She knows just how pale her complexion is. She knows the exact bitterness of forced penetration and manipulation. She knows the distinct taste of hospital warmed food and lumpy mattress cots that dug into one's back.

The process of being reborn was a gift to Spencer. Her whole life before entering the confines of the hospital was erased, and she was reborn into the new ammonia world. Everything was cleaner and more defined; it was like a brand new present gifted to her scarred fingertips. Some might pity her for not remembering happiness and the ease of the real world. She didn't care if they did because she didn't know exactly what it was she forgot. _"I mean, why mourn something you never had?"_ Spencer told herself only once and then forgot about the whole thing. Instead, she walks through this new life with scars and gashes from what she does know. She knows that she has never experienced the 'happiness' that the real world has to offer her. She knows that being lost in her head was much better than living in the agonizing days of reality.

It was the first week of December and the uncommon Californian heat had become too much. She took a glance at the puffy gray clouds that was dripping water over the whole city. She didn't care that her boxes were getting wet from the rain, or that the clothes her mother had carefully packed would be wrinkled by the time she hung them, by the colors of the rainbow, in her closet. She took her time walking up through the double doors of the impressive apartment. If she were a child, she would have childishly dubbed it 'her castle', but since she obtained an entirely different level of 'make believe' she simply called it 'home'; such a simple, easy word for most, but for her it was hard to say and even harder to find. Yet, when she found the darling Spanish style apartment in West Hollywood she immediately called the place her home and knew in her heart that only good would come from it.

She had parked the bright yellow Jeep Wrangler inside the garage positioned under her apartment. All morning she had grabbed one box at a time, went up the steps, into the complex, and sat the wet boxes on the wooden floors of her apartment. On her eighth time, Spencer made her way up the steps humming along to The Ting Tings and as the song changed, she froze. The carefully blown bubble that she had formed around herself seemed to expand as she noticed the three figures. She stopped in her tracks, her soggy high tops scratching at her feet, and blinked her eyelids.

Were they real?

She tried to analyze her brain, wondering if these three figures that she was currently noticing was just a fragment of her imagination. She tends to have issues with that, distinguishing between reality and make believe. Spencer tried to wrap her mind around the possibility that she was seeing real people on her own. Maybe the doctors, with their white pressed jackets, were right and that when she finally stepped foot out of the hospital she wouldn't have to rely on her make believe tendencies to get through the day.

They looked real enough.

'They' being the three figures.

The mother and her two small children.

They looked as real as the box in the blonde's arms. She wished she had the advantage of having a doctor by her side to tell her if they truly were real or not, but she wasn't that lucky in this moment. Instead, she watched with intense eyes as the mother bent down and pulled up the small boy's red hood. She lovingly caressed his pale cheek and patted his shoulders. The woman grinned at the small boy and tapped his nose which, in return, he playfully took a snap at.

"My frisky little Prince, are you trying to eat Mama?" She asked with a playful voice that Spencer immediately took a liking too. It was welcoming and in some sense, familiar like the woman's beautiful face, or her brunette hair that looked like silk. It was the type of hair that someone could run their fingers through over and over in an affectionate way. Or at least that is what Spencer wanted to do. She grinned as she noticed the red and blond highlights through the woman's hair, giving off the impression that the girl was wild and free. Maybe even like the children she was currently doting on. _"She must have brown eyes,"_ Spencer contemplated to herself as she imagined what the woman's eyes looked like. Since they were focused on the child, she didn't have the privilege to see. She felt they were brown though, it just seemed right that the woman would have brown eyes.

Spencer watched, frozen to the ground, as the woman turned to the other child. The child who's eyes had found Spencer. It was the child who had bright green orbs, identical to her brother's. The little head tilted to the side with curiosity as she watched Spencer. Her long blondish brown curls moving as she tilted her head and eyed Spencer quietly. A smile was tugging at the small pouty lips as her button nose crinkled up. Spencer automatically returned the smile to the girl, surprising herself that she was acknowledging anyone else, let alone a child. She couldn't help but be drawn into the green whimsical eyes and nose crinkles.

_"Nose crinkles…"_ Spencer thought to herself as she felt the box slip in her hands. Her cold feet were frozen to the ground and her eyes glued onto the royal intruders. Her mind was telling her to run. It told her that if she stayed any longer then her perfectly constructed world would be ruined. Her mind told her that these three figures fit nowhere into her make believe land of hiding places and safety. Her mind automatically drew caution signs over their faces, trying to block them from Spencer. The three people were forbidden, taboo, couldn't be recognized. Spencer knew she couldn't go against her mind, the main organ that had jurisdiction over her whole body. But it was her brain that willed her to go. It was her brain telling her to run, trying to protect the delicate girl.

Yet she was still in her place.

_"Nose crinkles…"_ Spencer thought to herself again, trying to find the deeper meaning behind the words. It was her heart that signaled it over and over to her mind, trying to get the young woman to reach out and grasp a deeper meaning of the phrase. It was her heart meeting eyes with the little girl and giving her a small smile. It was her heart telling her to stay and giving her hope that it was alright to experience this moment. It was her heart telling her that this was what was supposed to happen and it promised happiness. It was her heart that kept her feet in place. It was her heart, the simple beating organ, which had suddenly become the hierarchy over Spencer's body.

The rain was settling down and becoming a light mist that slowly dropped onto the ground. The older brunette placed a soft kiss on the young girl's cheek and smiled softly at her. "And you, my darling Princess, what has caught those pretty little eyes?" She said in a soft and delicate voice that brought soothing tremors down Spencer's spine. They were soothing tremors that her mind told her not to feel. Her mind told her that they weren't safe and gave huge caution signals to her body. But, once again, her heart fought against those signs and overruled them. Instead, she watched with intense eyes and heightened ears to hear what the young mother was saying.

The women kissed the girl's forehead once again and reached out for both children's small hands. She grinned down at the little girl and her wild hair, teasing her, "Well, Princess, I guess we'll just see who has caught you…"

The moment that Spencer's fantasy world fell apart was when brown hued eyes made contact with her blue ones. Of course, at that time Spencer couldn't tell that her world had started to fall apart and she couldn't even feel that gigantic shift that resulted because of it. Instead, Spencer felt the overwhelming need to flee. Her brain had gone into severe high alert causing her heart to beat at a rapid rate. The real world was not supposed to be crossed with her fantasy world, it was the rule. She lived so deeply in her pretend world that it was chaos for her to realize the real one. She cursed her mind for not being stronger when the brunette froze and looked over her with deep eyes.

_ **"…and all the time you thought I was sad. I was trying to remember your name…" ** _

"Curious," Spencer whispered to herself as she recognized the same emotion showing in the brown eyes as it had not so long ago in the green ones. She felt like she should know this girl. She felt as if the girl was a part of her and that a name should have already been spoken through her somber lips. Instead of a place in Spencer's mind for the memory of the girl, there was a pristine white spot distant in the blonde's mind. It was buried so far deep under her subconscious that Spencer didn't even care to look. She told her self that maybe they weren't real at all. She tried hard to decipher her muddled mind. She wanted to know, if they were not real, then where they fit into her structured 'pretend' world.

The little girl, with her wild unruly blondish brown hair, tugged at her mother's hand. The older woman shook her head as if to clear it of all mystified thoughts and smiled down at the small girl. Her small lips curled up into a delightful smile as she playfully swung her mother's hand as if she was going to ask her something important and needed an even more important answer. Spencer smiled at this interaction, finding the small child heart warming even though she knew that she could possibly be going against one of her own rules. She pulled her eyes away from the mother and daughter, knowing that if she watched even more then her world would just continue to fall apart. Instead, her blue eyes flickered to the small boy at the woman's other side. He had her hand clutched with his small one, and his other arm wrapped tightly around her leg. He had his face pressed against her leg with his bright green eyes peeking questionably at Spencer.

The small child pointed at Spencer with her small hand. She grinned at her mother, "Mama! Mama! Can she come wit us to duh 'ark beach?" Spencer let a smile grow on her lips, witnessing the child's broken speech. She couldn't remember any time she was a child and frankly she didn't really have any want to remember. Though, watching the mother and daughter interact she hoped that she had been lucky enough to have such innocent moments with her own mother.

The brunette's eyes widen for a moment before smiling at her daughter. The mother wasn't used to her children, let alone her young daughter, taking to strangers well. It had always been the three of them; the queen, prince, and princess. There was no one added to the mix unless it was their aunt or uncle. So, when she heard the whimsical voice ask for the gloomy looking blonde to tag along with the three she felt shocked. The brown eyed woman lifted her head up at the blonde to see the lethargic look in her eyes. She gave Spencer a light smile, hoping to fight off the look of apathy on her face. Instead, the girl only turned her eyes away to glance at the little girl.

"I don't know Ofelia," the woman answered unsure staring at the girl. Ofelia pouted her lips, giving her sad green eyes. The tanned brunette sighed and looked back at Spencer. "Would you care to join us?" The older woman asked Spencer, her voice soft and raspy. It was almost hard for Spencer to hear it. The light misty rain and wind from the nearby ocean almost drowned it out. Or was it her brain just trying to protect her from the hypnotic ways laced into the voice?

Spencer looked at her for a second, as if she were rereading pages in a book and trying to understand their meaning. "No, I…uh…I have to go." And then Spencer was gone. She ignored the disappointed pout of the Ofelia's face. She ignored the indescribable look upon the brunette's face. She ignored the feelings in her heart and regained all her capability to breathe. She simply let her brain take over, moved her feet, and went into her home. Her heart had given up the battle. Once again, Spencer was back into the safety of her 'make believe' world and the woman watched her silently.

** _"I'm sorry there's nothing to save…"_ **


	3. Chapter 2: Mirror

**Thanks to Karen and Alexis!! Wonderful Betas!!**

Chapter Two: Mirror 

_** "I'm broken hearted, seems like we never started…"**_

She had an 'A' tattooed on her left hip in a deep black handwritten print. Every time she stared at the loopy script, she thought that it must have been very important to her before everything happened. It just had one letter, which held so much meaning, written in someone else's handwriting. It was the most frustrating thing that Spencer has encountered through out the past years. It was permanently written onto her milky skin for a reason, and it was a reason that she didn't remember. She decided not to ask her mother, or her father, or her brother and his wife. She figured that it being in such an intimate place for such a vital reason nobody would have previously known about it.

Spencer stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom naked. She had dropped her pink Victoria's Secret robe at her feet to examine the odd tattoo once again. It was almost like a ritual for her. She would take a long hot shower, rinsing her body of the constant dirtiness she would feel. She pretended she was a Princess lost in the jungles of India. She would finally step out of the shower (a man made waterfall in the jungle), and walk into her bedroom to stand in front of the mirror. It was finally when she made her way to the mirror, staring at her reflection, that she stepped into the real world. It used to be the only way she would know that reality existed and that she really had been lost somewhere deep inside her mind.

She remembered how the doctors discovered this little piece of information. After being lost for so long deep inside the labyrinths of her brain, they found that when she passed one of the nurses' windows that had just been cleaned, she caught eye of her reflection. They found out that when she came out of the long bout of self-induced psychosis, she went into a deep panic. She didn't remember who she was before that and refused to look in a mirror any time after that. It was only those rare cases the doctors would pull out a hand mirror to show her that her pretend worlds were just false security blankets and she really was the pained figure staring back at herself.

Spencer stood there, tracing her pinky along the black print soothingly. She felt the area around it would tingle in some sort of unusual satisfaction lately. She understood that it was a good satisfaction, one that told her that things were moving at the rate they were supposed to. It told her that maybe, just maybe, she'll understand the true meaning of the 'A' on her hipbone.

For a while after she came out of her Psychosis, and after it had been explained to her who exactly her perpetrator was, she was fearful that the 'A' represented his name. It was the name of someone who caused her to retreat back into the childish world of her imagination. The name of someone who took away her past and locked it away. The name of someone who caused her to remember only his face, the way he smells, and how it felt when he did those repulsive, explicit things to her. Spencer never really sees herself there though, or at least the part of her that counts in her memory. She sees a hollow shell; someone who took over her spot and the memories of him was just left over residue of her past.

Instead of indulging herself in such memories, she decided to pull her finger away and go into her closet to get dressed. The best thing about her over-active memory was the ability to throw it onto paper or canvas. She wrote many books and painted many masterpieces depicting her wonderful worlds and, in a vague sense, the comfort they bring her. She started the writing two months after she came out of her psychosis and the paintings not long after.

First, the therapists saw it as a way for her to express herself a little bit better than her over-analytical words. Then, they decided to show her parents. They thought it was a good idea to let the Carlins inside her brain. Afterwards, her parents decided that they could sell her stories and hang her paintings in galleries. First they got a story published, a children's book about a young blonde girl trying to find the way out of a never ending labyrinth. It sold millions of copies. Children fell in love with the little girl while adults fell in love with the morbid humor. The money they got back from that was put away, for Spencer, while a little was spent to rent a space to showcase her art. They figured that when she became 'their' Spencer again she would appreciate her dreams of becoming a writer accomplished and enough money held back for her to live off of.

Instead 'their' Spencer never came back.

_** "I've been confused outta' my mind lately..."**_

Spencer finished putting on some skinny jeans and a red tank top. She combed a hand through her blond tussles and grabbed her keys before making her way out of her apartment. She took the stairs down to the first floor, which had deep brown wooden flooring that all the apartments had. There was one red door across from the stairs with a gold plate that had 'Office' inscribed in it. Next to the red door were the mailboxes and a few bikes. She had already memorized it all. They were perfectly written down and filed away in her brain.

"Look Mama! It's her again!" A loud squeal yelled back to her mother as she came burling down the stairs to come to a quick stop in front of Spencer. Her unruly blondish brown hair was pulled up into a high bun and she had large black designer sun glasses resting on top of her head. She beamed up at Spencer with a large nose crinkling smile.

The sides of Spencer's mouth twitched but a smile had yet to form. It had been the fourth day running into the small family. It was so hard to walk away from the three figures each and every day that she had previously ran into them. Spencer thought that after the third time the little girl wishfully asked her to join them for a play at the park and her mother looking at her with searching eyes, she would have given in. Instead, Spencer held her ground and replied to the pouty little girl with a stern 'no' and left for her apartment.

But here she stood, like a tall and important Princess, in front of the child. Today she couldn't really run to her apartment. She was already on her way out to the park herself. She needed the fresh air and a walk on the beach. So, it would be rude to leave the little girl standing there in disappointment. And, what if they saw her on their trip to the park? _"Wouldn't that be damaging in some way?"_ Spencer thought to herself. She didn't understand where the empathy for the child's feelings came from, but she didn't question it.

Her gaze turned to the older woman holding the hand of the little boy, his eyes hooded by the shaggy brownish blonde hair. He had a shy expression as he maneuvered his small body behind the woman, clutching onto her hand. Spencer's gaze followed the top of his head, up the woman's tanned arms, to her gorgeous face. It was a face that always surprised Spencer. It was inspiring, the face of so many new sketches in her book. Spencer swore that in her make believe world the young mother would be a Goddess. The Goddess of the Earth who Spencer would worship her entire life. Maybe, this was a new idea for a book or a painting. It would be a collection about leaving the labyrinth and finding a heart of gold at the end.

"Hello," the woman half sang softly as she came to the last step. She was so close to Spencer, almost too close, but at the same time the distance in Spencer's eyes kept her so far away. She held out her free hand and called out for her small daughter, "Ofy, Princess, leave the woman alone."

The little girl met her mother's eyes and pouted, "But Mama, idn't she' ssso 'retty. Con't she play wit usss?"

This childish broken language and slight lisp caused the smile to appear on Spencer's lips. She found the small, but almost demanding voice of the little girl adorable and couldn't see how she had denied her of something so small the last couple days. She felt the little girl's strong hope fly through the air and seep into her pale skin. She wasn't used to such pure emotion.

The little girl took the offered hand and the young mother bent down to kiss her forehead. "Yes, she is very pretty but I think she doesn't want to play. Princess, she doesn't even know us."

The little girl's shoulders fell and the pout grew into her green eyes as disappointment spread through her little body. She looked over at the blonde who had kept still during this whole ordeal. With a couple small steps, Ofelia let go of her mother's hand and walked over to Spencer. She held out a small sun kissed hand, "'M Ofelia Kei Davies an' 'm fourah. Dat's meh brother, Pan, and dat's meh mama."

Spencer grinned at the child and reached out to take her small hand in her larger one. Her world shifting to allow the child access into it freely where she became the Princess her mother had already dubbed her. Spencer looked at the little boy who had peaked his head around and then up into brown hue eyes. Her blue orbs went back to the small green ones in front of her as she got down on her knee. With a soft voice, she answer, "Well hello Ofelia Davies, it just so happens we have the same middle name. I am Spencer Kei Carlin."

Spencer could feel the heat from the eyes on her back. She could feel the older woman watching the interaction with such interest. Spencer threw it off as just a mother making sure her child was safe. Yet, all the interaction she has witnessed before between mothers and children didn't seem like what the woman was feeling. Instead, when Spencer got to her feet and let go of Ofelia's hand, she met the eyes of Ofelia's mama. She saw there was something etched into them like it was a secret language she was missing out on.

The brunette held out her hand to Spencer. Spencer looked from the hand to the face offering it. She wondered if she took this woman's hand would she be pulling her into her make believe land like she had Ofelia, or would the woman be pulling her into the real world like the mirrors. Letting it slip off her lips like she had said it to Spencer once before, she smiled and whispered, "Ashley Davies."

Automatically Spencer felt as if she was taken aback to a different world. It was a world of teenage thinking and shy smiles. She reached for Ashley's hand, "Spencer Carlin."

She felt the finger's of the older girl's hand slide off her hand, over her fingers, before letting go of touch altogether. Ashley's eyes were brighter, and more intensified with the secret language that Spencer didn't remember how to speak. Ashley put her free hand on Ofelia's head and smiled lightly at Spencer. Her nose crinkling as she asked, "Would you please join us at the park?"

Spencer was still processing her hand being touched by the woman. The woman she clearly didn't know if she existed or not. She looked down at her head for a moment and then back into clear brown eyes. She was scared and felt like everything around her was shattering into tiny fragments. Was she being pulled into the real world? Or was she opening the timeless doors to her world for Ashley?

Spencer opened her mouth to answer.

** _" Please drop the past and be true.  
Don't think we're okay, just because I'm here...…"_ **

**Playlists. (songs in order by chapter)**

0.Almost Lover by The Fine Frenzy  
1.Ex Lover is Dead by Stars  
2.Warwick Avenue by Duffy


	4. Chapter 3: If It Makes You Less Sad

**Chapter Three: If It Makes You Less Sad. **

_** "We'll start talking again and you can tell me how vile I already know I am…"**_

She had an 'S' tattooed on her right hip in a deep black handwritten print. Every time she stared at the neat script, she thought her heart would blow up and explode into tiny little pieces. It was just one simple letter, number nineteen in the alphabet her son always pointed out, written in someone else's scribbles. It was the most depressing thing that Ashley had encountered in her life, apart from the reason the person who wrote it not being apart of her said life. The scrawl was a permanent reminder that her life wasn't how she had originally hoped it would have been. Instead, she has the vibrant reminder of 'what if's' and 'what should have been'.

Ashley sat on the edge of the bed, her red tank top lifted up by a tanned hand, to reveal the black ink. She had just woken up and the morning sun was shinning brightly between the cracks in her curtains. She felt disoriented and lost, like every morning, having to look down at the reminder on her hip to tell her where she was at that point in her life. Her sadness for what has been lost has always stuck with her, like she was weighed down and couldn't let anything go. Her life was pretty content, but it could be better, **she** could have gotten better. So, here she was, sitting on the edge of her bed forced to realize that another day, after so many days, she was left without the owner of the written tattoo.

She traced the neat print with her pinky, somehow always feeling more and more connected with her when she did so. It nearly stopped her heart four days ago when she saw the mysterious blond on the porch of her apartment complex. They had called and told her that she was released from the hospital. They told her that she wasn't 'her' Spencer anymore, but they forgot to mention that she was leaving in the same building as her. They forgot to mention that she was her new neighbor. So, as she pulled up her children's hoods and about to take them to the park, her heart nearly failed her.

How was she supposed to react?

How does one react when they see a ghost? She always played the scene in her head over and over when she would first see the young girl again. First, the scene involved the two girls as high school seniors, but then as time grew on and on, it began to change. It changed to meeting again as freshman in college, or at a bookstore, or at a baby shower, and then it changed to not meeting ever again in this lifetime. She had begun to loose all hope. When she saw the blond the other day she was taken aback and went into auto-mode. It didn't help that after that day Ofelia kept asking her to join them at the park.

They told her that it was best for Spencer. They told her that she was damaged and the only way to get fixed was a new life, new memories. They told her that she wasn't what the blond needed right then. She didn't believe them. Who are white coated doctors, anyway? She fought them to see her. She cried for them to let her speak to her. She sobbed for them to just give her evidence that she was alive. Then they took her to the hospital, four hours outside of Los Angeles, a remote institution for severe and abnormal cases. When Ashley sees her tattoo, she remembers the day like she was reliving it.

The Von Troust Institute was a renowned hospital dealing with extreme or unusual psychological cases. It was a rare treat for them to receive a trauma victim experiencing deep psychosis and amnesia. The brunette didn't know any of this. All she knew that her girlfriend, her soul, was missing and she had gone crazy with trying to find her. She didn't find her, no, the blond had been found half dead under the peer. The Carlin's tried to explain this the best they could to Ashley, Kyla, Glen, and Chelsea. They tried to do it before it hit the news, but they couldn't. Instead, Ashley remembers being in the mall putting up flyers with Kyla when the news came on. **"Spencer Carlin found by a jogger that morning, raped and beaten, one suspect, a Aiden Dennison, in custody.** Ashley doesn't remember much else from that day except that the next week she had to pay the mall a large sum of money in damages.

She remembers stepping into white halls. It looked like any other hospital. They told her that they had proof that it was in the best interest that she didn't be in contact with the blond. It was when they made it to the forth level floor that Ashley understood what they mean. She watched through a one way mirror with wide eyes. The blond was curled onto her side on the full size bed with her eyes focused right at her. Ashley felt her hand hit the glass in desperation to reach her lover, to save her from her mind pulling itself farther and farther away. Instead, in a hollow scream, the blond had cried over and over, "No Ash…no no no no Ash no!"

Ashley broke down right there in the room.

What is a girl to do when given this information?

Of course, she follows the doctor's orders. She had lost the one good thing in her life. She had it all taken away by one of the only people she trusted. In some retrospect, she felt guilty also. If she never treated Aiden the way she did. If she never asked him to move thing around, go to parties with her, be her boy toy, then he wouldn't have took his anger out on Spencer. She felt guilty because if she had stopped him that night that he told her off, if she only stopped him, then Spencer would be here with her. Spencer would have a happy family with her. Instead, Ashley is sitting on this bed reminiscing over her lost girlfriend.

Ashley got up onto her feet and started to make her bed. She sat the soak monkey and brown teddy bare on the table next to her bed, smiling as her children had woke earlier and were probably in the play room drawing. She herd something fall off the table and reach down to get it. She brought the picture frame up and sit it on the table. She smiled lightly as she saw the blue eyes of 'her' Spencer smiling back at her from six years ago. _"Just before everything happened,"_ Ashley thought to herself. She then looked at the stuffed animals next to it and sighed.

_** "…and if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down…"**_

Would she give up her two beautiful children for a 'her' Spencer?

She always felt guilty thinking about that, thinking about if she would still have Ofelia and Pan. She would like to think in her heart that she would. They would just be both her's and Spencer's instead of her's and Harvey's. Harvey was a guy she met at a local café and they became good friends. Their relationship was mostly just very close friends who loved each other. Like most, they tried to work it out into something more. Their relationship lasted a year and half, a year a half of needing someone to keep the other grounded. It was a year and a half of being able to touch another human being. It didn't work. But the result was Pan and then seven months later (born premature due to complications), Ofelia.

In a way, unconsciously, Ashley had chosen Harvey because she could see Spencer in him. His blond shaggy hair and grayish blue eyes immediately made Ashley think about Spencer. It was his good nature and 'farm boy from Iowa' persona that really made Ashley get so close to him. He reminded her of Spencer. She even raised her children how Spencer said she would raise her children. She even named then after the characters of Pan's Labyrinth, like Spencer said she would. For a while, she thought Harvey would fill a void, Spencer's void, but it didn't work out that way.

"Mama! Mama!" Two rambunctious kids screamed running into the room. Ashley turned around and bent down with wide, open arms to catch the children. Their giggles were comforting as their small arms wrapped around her neck.

"Good morning, my Prince and Princess," She gave each child a light kiss on the forehead and pulled back. She smoothed back their blondish brown hair and smiled warmly at them. Her nicknames for them were consoling to her broken heart. She had always called them her Prince and Princess, following the story line of Pan's Labyrinth. Their interest in their nicknames only heightened when they got a hold of one of the many books written by Spencer Carlin. Ashley wrapped her arms around their waists and lifted then up and sat them on the bed. They smiled and jumped up and down in their royalty pajamas.

"Mama, rwead us a storeee!" Pan said jumping with his little sister. He gave a dazzling smile to her mother that melted Ashley's heart. It was the time around her children that almost made her forget the past.

That almost made her forget about the blonde beneath her.

Almost.

Ashley reached for the book under her table; it was sitting on top of several other books, and climbed onto the bed between the two children. Ofelia, with her long hair wildly around her head, climbed into her lap and snuggled against her chest. Pan found his way under her arm with his head next to Ofelia. Both children were very close to their mother. Ashley had no need to work, due to the millions to her name, but when she went into the studio occasionally, she brought her children. She grinned, remembering something Kyla had joked about earlier. Kyla had said, "They're so fucking attached cause you carried them around and breast fed them until they weaned themselves. You damn hippie!" Ashley only replied, "Duh, it's called attached parenting."

"Mama," Her little girl mumbled pointing at the book.

Ashley smiled down at them before opening the book to colorful pages. "She open her eyes and realized she wasn't in her world anymore. Instead, she was in a new colorful world with bright stars leading her way to a castle. She was now a princess and this is how her life began…"

Ashley continued to read the book to the children, getting into the strange, almost morbid tale about a Princess who finds a whole new family. The children pointed absentmindedly at things that caught their attention and encouraged Ashley to do the voices. As the book coming to a end, Ashley gave a kiss on each child's head before reading the last lines. She spoke as she closed the book, "Reality and non-reality, it doesn't matter, I'm still the ruler of the world." She sat the book back on the stack and wondered if that really was a book for children.

"Common kids, let's get ready. I'll even take you to the park before go to auntie Kyla's." Ashley said watching the children's eyes light up at such a simple thing. They got up onto the bed and began to jump around with excitement. Ashley stood up and reached for one kid at a time and placed them onto the floor. "Common, common, lets get some clothes on you."

The children took off running for their playroom, where all their clothes were kept in the three bedroom apartment. Ashley walked down the sunlit hallway following the children into a large bright red playroom with bamboo flooring. The children went to find their flip flops as Ashley went to their closet and looked for something for them to wear. She turned around, "What do you guys wanna wear today?"

"'resss!" Ofelia said pointing at the bright pink dress with little designs on the bottom edges.

Ashley nodded her head and pulled the dress out of the closet before turning to the small boy. "You?"

He put his finger to his chin and tapped like he had seen his mother do once before. "Mmm, how bout pants and komonono shirt?"

Ashley chuckled, "You mean kimono?"

He nodded his shaggy head, "Yeah. That."

She chucked and got his outfit out of the closet, giving them to each child and telling them to put it on while she went to get dressed. She returned back to the playroom five minutes later clad in grey yoga pants and a red tank top. She smiled at her children before taking their hands in one of her own and heading for the door grabbing their jackets and her keys.

As they were leaving the apartment, Ofelia pulled on Ashley's hand. Ashley looked down at her daughter, "Yes, baby?"

Ofelia looked down shyly, "Can we asskah dat lady to pway with us 'gain?" Ashley looked a way for a moment, not knowing how to approach her daughter on this sensitive subject. The little girl continued, "You know dat lady, from da photos."

Ashley nodded her head and bent down to the level of her daughter. She pushed back her crazy hair into a pony tale and slide the little girl's sun glasses, that where hanging on her shirt, onto of her head. "Princess, remember how Mama said not to tell the lady we have photos of her?" Ofelia nodded her head. "Well, I just wanted to remind you. You too Pan." She looked at the boy as he nodded his head. She has found that the small child was shy around the blond, which she found adorable. "Well, here lets slip on your guys' jackets."

She put on Ofelia's first, telling her to wait for her and Pan before she went running down the stairs. Of course, being an impatient child, she went running down the stairs to the main floor. Ashley sighed and took Pan's hand, giving the little boy a small smile before going down after the girl.

"Look Mama! It's her agan!" Ashley paused on the steps, always shocked to see the blond so clearly. It was different to see her everyday. Ashley felt her heart skip a few beats before balancing out to normal as she quickly examined the young woman. Her skin was pale white, stretching over her bones as if she was barely eating. Her skin seemed to have more color than a few days ago, but not enough to make Ashley satisfied about her health. She looked so fragile, so thin, holding herself as she looked down at Ofelia. _"She's holding herself the best she can probably,"_ Ashley thought to herself.

Ashley noticed the sides of Spencer's mouth giving a small twitch but didn't form all the way. This was the forth time the her small child gave hope to the older blond, the first three resulting in disappointment. Ashley watched Spencer with intense brown eyes as she stood examining the little girl. Ashley's face mirrored Spencer's; solemn and intense. She was surprised when blue eyes turned to look her way as she stood frozen on the steps. Pan had found his way where he was shyly behind her, grasping her large hand in his tiny one. She watched as Spencer's eyes followed up her arm before landing on her face. Ashley noticed fireworks exploding in her eyes.

The blond always had that in her eyes when she was around Ashley.

Maybe Ashley should take a leap…

"Hello," Ashley half sang softly as she came to the last step. She was getting so close to Spencer, almost too close, but at the same time the sudden distance in Spencer's eyes kept her so far away. She couldn't allow herself to get her hopes up. She remember the doctor's explaining to her that the blond probably won't remember her. She also remember them telling her that it is in the best interest of Spencer to not be around each other. She sighed and held out her free hand and called out for her small daughter, "Ofy, Princess, leave the woman alone." Spencer had become 'the woman' to the outside world. Yet, still in her heart, Spencer was 'her's'.

Ofelia met her mother's eyes and pouted, "But Mama, idn't she' ssso 'retty. Con't she play wit usss?"

Ashley smiled softly down at the little girl and nodded her head at the girl's language. Ofelia took the offered hand and the Ashley bent down to kiss her forehead. "Yes, she is very pretty but I think she doesn't want to play. Princess, she doesn't even know us."

Ashley's heart broke as she watched Ofelia's shoulders fall and the pout grew into her green eyes as disappointment spread through her little body. Ofelia looked over at the blonde who had kept still during this whole ordeal. With a couple small steps, she let go of her Ashley's hand and walked over to Spencer. She offered a blond her small hand, "'M Ofelia Kei Davies an' 'm fourah. Dat's meh brother, Pan, and dat's meh mama."

Ashley smiled lightly as she watched her child introduce to the woman she was still in love with. Her world seemed to be shifting, and in some cases it was, together. What held Ashley's heart was how Spencer smiled down at her daughter, taking her small hand and shaking it with her own. Spencer looked over at Pan, noticing his shyness before returning her eyes back to Ofelia's green ones. With a soft voice, Spencer answer, "Well hello Ofelia Davies, it just so happens we have the same middle name. I am Spencer Kei Carlin."

Ashley felt her heart tear a little, signaling to her that she had named her child after Spencer. Just another reminded of the life they didn't share together. Ashley continue to look at the woman, playing all the 'what ifs' in her head as she watched the girl interact with her daughter. The sunny days they could be together, then traveling the world together, even the simple idea of curling up in bed together. It was so close, it had almost been there, their future, but it was ripped from their willing hands like a raggedy piece of paper. Ashley watched Spencer get back to her feet and let go of Ofelia's hand before turning to her.

Could she see the 'what if's' play across her eyes like tiny movies of what should have beens?

Ashley took a deep breath before stepping forward closer and holding out her hand to Spencer. The need to touch the other girl was overwhelming her brain. She hasn't felt the other girl's skin in over six years. It was six, long, somewhat painful years that she had felt the warmth. Letting the words come freely, she smiled and whispered, "Ashley Davies." It was just like it had been the first time she met the girl in their old high school gym.

Spencer looked taken aback at first but reached for Ashley's waiting hand. Ashley nearly sighed in contentment when she felt the soft, warm skin against her owns. The flashes of her mind came quicker and quicker and were almost too much for the brunette. She willed herself not to let her eyes get glossy. When Ashley took her hand away, she let her fingers dance across Spencer's hand and fingers before completely loosing touch. Ashley smiled at her brighter with her eyes, memories playing faster and faster as if they were in 'fast forward' mode. Ashley put her free hand on Ofelia's head and smiled lightly at Spencer. Her nose crinkling as she asked, "Would you please join us at the park?"

** _ "And if it makes you less sad we'll start talking again… I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate…"_ **


	5. Chapter 4: Be BraveWe Were Lovers

**Props to my beta, Alexis, for being fucking amazing! Just saying. Props to all you guys reading and to all of you who take time and leave me some feedback! Thank you so fucking much! This chapter is sorta a filler, but just as much important. You will understand.**

Chapter Four: Be Brave / We Were Lovers. 

_** "What was once golden has now turned a shade of grey…"**_

The wind blew wildly at her hair, making it wisp around and hit her in the face. She raised her free hand to tuck it behind her ear and continued walking through the warm sand. She unconsciously wiggled her toes in the warm grains as if she had always done it. Spencer smiled down at the small child who was grasping her hand and pulling her toward the bench at the top of the hill overlooking the beach. The green eyed princess looked up at Spencer, "Common! Common, 'Pence!"

She smiled at the little girl before picking her up in her arms and running toward the bench. She had become attached to the small child, opening the door to her world and carefully letting the child in. The blonde had spent the whole day with the small little girl, her mother, and her shy older brother. Spencer had been afraid to interact with anyone but the little girl. When she was around the brunette, she felt a sense of déjà vu. She felt the itching in the back of her head that she had already lived this moment, many moments like this moment, but couldn't pinpoint it in her head. It was getting to the point of frustration.

So, Spencer played with the little girl. She played hide and seek and tag; she played make believe and airplane. She let herself get attached to the child and the child was easily getting attached to her. She felt the eyes of Ashley constantly on her, trying to decipher her every move. She understood the brunette's need to keep an eye on her daughter, but it felt like she was watching Spencer more than the little girl. Spencer didn't like facing her, didn't like talking to her, because she could see the edge of hurt outlining the older woman's eyes. She saw millions of stories in the girl's eyes and was too afraid to learn them. So, while the blonde kept the little girl company, Ashley and Pan walked along the beach or Ashley told him stories while lounging in the sand.

Spencer put the giggling child down onto the sand in front of her mother. She watched while the little girl ran barefoot to her mother speaking in a gibberish language. Ashley laughed and took Ofelia's hand in her's. Pan watched quietly from her lap as he laid his head against her chest with his thumb resting between his lips. "Having fun, Princess?"

Ofelia nodded her head eagerly before turning her head and smiling at Spencer. "Yessss!"

Spencer smiled at the little girl, wrapping her arms around herself. When her eyes met the brown orbs of Ashley's she felt stuck, like she was frozen or paralyzed. She felt the overwhelming pull of déjà vu against her head. She turned her head away from the girl, turning her eyes from the potential danger the girl could cause. Ashley made her feel like she was being pulled away from her world.

Spencer felt like she was still learning how to relive her life. She was thrown into the real world with nothing but what they taught her. **_They say, "Be brave, there's a right way and a wrong way."_** It was as if they put her into the class, 'how to live you life 101' but she had forgotten all that she had learned. She was pretty sure that there were rules about meeting mysterious goddesses who would make her feel uncomfortable. She just couldn't remember which rule it was. She should have stayed in the safety of her apartment, her studio, her mind. Her mind had been safe; it had been the safest thing she had known, but lately it has been infected by the brunette.

When she left the hospital, her therapist, Luciana, drove her to her new home. She thought it would be too overwhelming for the blonde if her family greeted her there. Luciana knew that the blonde felt uncomfortable around them. She felt as if they wanted, needed, her to remember them. She felt weighed down by their constant stares and hopes of something that probably will never happen. She felt almost bad for not caring if she ever remembered. It could be her constant apathy toward things. Luciana told her that she needed to be brave during this whole thing. _"Brave,"_ Spencer thought sarcastically. _"Pfft, what is brave?"_

Ashley watched Spencer's mental battle, the one of many throughout the day. She felt her heart hit the floor each and every time. All she wanted was her old Spencer back, the girl whose smile brightened her day and voice calmed her heart. Instead, there was someone else in the blonde's body. The girl was hollow and a shell. She seemed like the princess in all the blonde's stories. She seemed lost and out of touch, trying to find her way out of the tangled labyrinth. All Ashley wanted to do was bring that life back to the young girl's eyes. She needed to show the girl the undying love she still had for her in her heart. Ashley looked over the blonde's body when she wasn't looking. She looked from her feet, up her torso, to her arms where she saw random scars and cuts which made her stomach churn. She ran her eyes back up to the young girl's face. When Spencer looked back at Ashley, the brunette quickly turned her head and smiled down at her little girl. She didn't want to make Spencer feel awkward. Ashley only wanted for her to be alright. She looked down at Ofelia and gave her a light kiss on her forehead and pulled her up onto the bench with her.

"Are you guys hungry?" Ashley asked the children in her arms. They nodded against her and she looked up at Spencer with a soft smile, "I know this sweet diner down by the pier."

Spencer looked down at her toes as they wiggled in the sand. She took comfort in the simpleness of the sand. She took even more comfort in the simpleness of the beach. There was no need to remember anything because everything she needed was freely flowing into her mind. The sound of the ocean, the sight of the waves, it was so easy to take in. People were different. There was always this need to remember. There was the need to rake one's memory to see if you knew the person and if you met their expectations.

Spencer had begun to hate expectations.

She found that she liked the small little girl so much was because she had no expectations of Spencer. She felt that all she had to do was stay in the safety of her own make believe world and the little girl didn't try to pull her into the real one. Instead, she stepped into Spencer's world with a graceful smile. Her bluish grey eyes met with Ashley's warm ones. She felt the warmth of the older girl wash over her as a small smile played on Ashley's lips.

She could go. She could go and eat with the small family. She could let herself go and be content in the fact that she felt connected to people. Spencer could sit in the booth of the diner, the brunette across from her, and just let herself go into simple conversation. She could let herself be free and words flow like molasses from her lips. She could simply go.

Yet her mind had warning signs. Her mind had restrictions. She couldn't simply 'let herself go', because she had tired once. She had tried to be free about her words and her expressions, but her mind held her tightly. She couldn't just easily go with the brunette and be herself. For one, she didn't know who 'herself' was. She didn't know what she liked or how she acted or what to say. For another thing, her mind told her it wasn't the right time. It was holding her back because it was trying to protect herself from something deeper than what she could understand. For a second, she felt a sense of sadness for herself.

Ashley felt her daughter move closer to her and climb up onto her knees. The little girl cupped a small hand over her ear and whispered to Ashley, "Mama, 'Pence cryin'."

Ashley looked over at the blonde and saw the tiny glint on her cheek as a single tear slide down her pale skin. Her beating heart sunk for blonde. She saw the blank look in her eyes as she realized the blonde had zoned out. She smiled down at her daughter and whispered back into her ear, "Tears of joy, baby girl." She kissed her forehead and stood up to walk toward the blonde. She knew that it was probably a lie, but a white lie for the small princess was only to prevent the tears from falling down her cheeks.

**_ "You've cried enough this lifetime, my beloved polar bear  
Tears to fill a sea to drown a beacon  
To start anew all over, remove those scars from your arms..." _**

Spencer snapped back and saw Ashley moving closer to her. The children were watching with intent eyes as their mother walked slowly toward the blonde. Spencer brought up a hand to quickly wipe away at the stray tear and cursed herself for letting emotion strike her body while she was out of her world. She took a step back as the older woman stepped forward. Ashley stood still and whispered to the blonde, "You don't have to come with us. It is alright."

"But mama…" Ofelia objected from her place on the bench.

Ashley turned and looked sternly at the little girl. "Ofy," she warned before turning back to the blonde. "Really, if you don't wanna join us it is alright. I mean, we can walk back to the apartment complex."

Spencer shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, that sounds good. I need to…to…to umm…I need to write."

**_ "I know, my love, this is not the only story you can tell  
This pain won't last for ever, this pain won't last for ever..." _**

Spencer looked down shyly at her hands, too afraid to meet the girl's eyes. She remembers the look her family got when she denied them of something simple like having dinner with them. She didn't want to see that look in the brunette's eyes. For a second, she felt she couldn't ever disappoint the girl like that. She shook her head, her blonde hair flying into her face again. She reached up to push it back when her hand collided with the brunettes. She looked up surprised at the girl and caught the same surprise look in the brunette's eyes. Ashley quickly withdrew her hand and looked down shyly.

Ashley nodded her head and turned to the two children, "Common, darlings, let's go home and I will make you dinner."

Spencer watched the brunette get the two children from the bench, amazed at her strength as she held each child on her hip. She saw Ofelia look at her with sad eyes and reach for her. She watched Ashley shake her head and whisper something in her ear that made the little girl's face fall. She didn't realize what she was doing until she had the little girl in her arms and her head resting on her shoulder. Ashley met the blonde's eyes and gave her a small smile before holding Pan closer to her chest and leading her way home. Spencer held the little girl closer, a smile spreading on her lips. She noticed that Ashley didn't hold the look in her eyes, the questioning and expectant look that everyone else had. Instead, she only saw light.

**_ "You don't need to find answers never asked of you..." _**

She looked out onto the raging waves across from her apartment building. She sat silently on the iron fire escape outside her window with the warm cup of coffee in her hands. She felt like she was backwards about the whole thing. If someone couldn't sleep they usually didn't drink coffee. She chuckled at herself at the memory of having it pointed out to her once that it didn't make sense that she drank coffee to help her get to sleep. She found herself fond of that memory, loving the soothing familiarly of it.

Ashley had been finding herself getting more and more lost in her memories. She had found comfort in sitting outside her bedroom, looking in every now and then at her two children curled up safely on her bed. She would look out at the ocean and remember every single time that she had been there with the blonde. She would remember every single time she would think of the blonde. She remembered when the girl made fun of her for not being able to sleep and drinking coffee.

She had been only seventeen.

She had been only seventeen when she felt the love of her life sleeping right next to her. She had been sleeping safe and sound in the brunette's bed, her body cuddled up into Ashley's. Ashley sat up against the headboard sipping on her coffee and listening to Bloc Party. The lights had been turned off and it was one of those rare nights that Spencer's parents had let her stay the night at Ashley's. Ashley was unconsciously rubbing the blonde's bare shoulder, relaxing next to her. She remembers how the young girl had woken up and smiled tiredly at her. She had asked her why she was still awake and the brunette told her that she couldn't sleep.

Then there was a head tilt.

She missed the head tilt.

Spencer had tilted her head and asked her why in the hell was she drinking coffee then if she couldn't sleep. This caused the brunette to break out into a smile and ended with her coffee being sat on her night table and giving her attention back to the blonde. It was one of her most fond memories, of how free the blonde's love used to be. Hell, of how free the blonde once was.

**_ "And now our love has been forgotten  
Like it was never there  
We're just sitting here like strangers..." _**

"I might be wrong, but it's generally not common to sit outside by yourself in the middle of the night."

Ashley jumped and looked around where the voice was coming from. She knew the voice by heart and for a second she believed that she might have been going crazy. Her heart began to thump hard against her chest.

"Up here," the blonde says from her spot on the fire escape above the brunette.

Ashley looked at her for a second in complete awe. Then she looked at her confused, "Spence…er, Spencer, I thought you lived across from me."

Spencer shrugged her shoulders and took a seat on the iron steps leading down to Ashley's fire escape. "I have a studio space above."

"You paint?" Ashley asked, trying to sound laid back and hiding her surprise. She felt almost shy, high school shy, around the blonde. Her palms began to sweat and her heart began to thump violently against her chest.

Spencer didn't know where her fears went but she really didn't care. She felt that it was late and that there was nothing to hide. If there was anything that needed to be hidden, then the starry night would do it for her. She leaned her elbows onto her knees and smiled softly at the girl in front of her. She watched her get more comfortable, her hands clutching the coffee mug. The blond nodded her head, "Yeah, I do. I just got done with a painting." She spoke so clear and unguarded. She didn't care about her make believe world. Sitting right here, under the stars, with the whimsical sounds of Bloc Party coming out of her window was very soothing to the blonde.

Ashley nodded her head, "Oh. Cool." She mentally kicked herself at how stupid she sounded. She had every right to, lacking her intelligence. She looked down at the brown liquid of her coffee, too afraid to look up and meet the eyes of the blonde. She seemed so much like 'her' Spencer and it scared her even more in her sleepy state. She was tired; it was three in the morning and she had spent forever reading stories to her two darlings to get them to sleep. Even though Pan didn't show it, he was just as excited as Ofelia to have Spencer with them today. Her love for the blonde was even engrained in her children's genes.

**_ "Staring into my coffee  
It is not black just a shade of brown  
Too scared to let our eyes meet  
What will we see?..." _**

"So, can't sleep?" Spencer asked the girl, watching her very intently with her grayish blue eyes. She had spent the past hours writing about the girl, drawing the girl, painting the girl. She had so many ideas, so many things in her head about the older woman. She felt the need to write them down as if they were her own memories.

She wished they were her memories.

She shook her head at the sudden thoughts overpowering her mind. It wasn't this bad before she met Ashley. In fact, she didn't know if it was really 'that bad'. She was confusing herself, going back and forth if the thought of Ashley was even real. She could easily be in another one of her psychotic imaginings. Luciana said there was a possibility of being too overwhelmed and resorting back into herself.

"I couldn't sleep," Ashley's musical voice brought her out of her tangled mind. Her eyes fell onto the brown orbs that had looked up to meet hers.

Spencer suddenly felt a moment of sanity.

Just a moment.

But a long, single, moment.

Spencer sniffed the air, smelling vanilla coffee, "And you're drinking coffee?" She asked as if she was questioning the brunette's sanity.

Ashley laughed and nodded her head. She felt as if she was back in her memory right now. She felt as if she had her Spencer with her. "Yeah, it sorta helps."

Spencer shook her head, "Oh really?"

Ashley nodded, "Yep, its one of my weird quirks."

Spencer laughed at her and nodded her head in understanding, her eyes never leaving the brown eyes in front of her. She felt relaxed for the first time since she could remember. She felt her body sigh with a sense of contentment. She didn't realize that the stories that she wrote were really just her mind letting things slip. She didn't realize that the drawings she had drawn were pictures her brain had previously taken. She didn't realize that the paintings she painted were really memories flowing onto canvas. It didn't matter to Spencer then, at three o'clock in the morning, tired and exhausted, that pieces of her past were coming back to her at break neck speeds. She didn't realize, as she looked into the woman's eyes, that she was falling in love again.

**_ "We were lovers… _**

"We all have…" The blonde's whispered voice carried through the wind; the wind that began to pick up and kiss at her skin wildly; the wind that began to cause the waves to crash against the sand. She felt herself shiver and then freeze. Her body stopping completely as her eyes got wide and frightened. Ashley looked at her for a moment, not understanding why the young girl had frozen. When Ashley noticed Spencer's chest stop moving she automatically got up and ran to the girl. She held her face between her hands as she stared into the panic filled eyes.

"Spencer!" Ashley said trying to shake the girl out of whatever she was in. "Spencer, breathe!" Instead of hearing Ashley's voice, all Spencer could hear were the violent waves crashing against the pier in the distance.

Spencer didn't realize that her past was coming back to her.

**_ "The space between us  
Will not be beat  
Oceans and past lives… _**

**Playlist:**  
Two More Years by Bloc Party  
We Were Lovers by Bloc Party


	6. Chapter 5: Everyday Is Exactly the Same

This chapter is to take you deeper into Spencer's past. I wanna say it's another 'filler' but I think it's important to know more about Spencer and another key to unlock yet another door of her past. This will get deeper into her mind and deeper into what happened. I hope you enjoy and please leave me comments and feedback. 3

Italics are 'flashbacks'.

THANKS to my great beta Alexis! She is fantastic!

**Chapter Five: Everyday Is Exactly the Same/Take a Look at Me Now. **

_** "I believe I can see the future  
Cause I repeat the same routine…"**_

She couldn't breathe, couldn't take that much needed breath that would potentially enable her to take another breath and then another, it is really a process. A process she couldn't go through right now. She felt encaged by her own mind and not able to free herself. She could remember many more times such as this, many other times where her mind clutched onto her, locking her away, and putting a grainy, blurry movie on display in her retinas. Instead of the last time that this happened, the movie was clearer and prominent. Instead of the last time, she was reliving the experience.

She wanted her world back. She wanted lucid states of imagination and princess tendencies. She yearned for the safe hands of her mind and the rooms she closed herself in. Yet, it was her mind that was encaging her and forcing her violently to watch this movie; to relive these experiences. She was forced into a state of panic without any air. She couldn't even hear herself anymore.

The movie was starting.

_** "I believe I can see the future  
Cause I repeat the same routine…"**_

Her mind instantly goes back a year ago. It seems like the safest time for Spencer Carlin to be alive and living in her mind. She didn't realize there was a past or a future out of these white walls, but then again, she really didn't need too. She was safely behind closed, protective doors that were guarded by white coats and new feverish memories. It had become her kingdom and everything seemed to revolve around her. She would wake up, she got breakfast. She would want a Chai tea, and an orderly brought it to her. She wanted to paint, she was able to paint. What Spencer Carlin needed in her kingdom, she got. That was what being the princess of the white roomed building meant.

She was sitting there enjoying the sun on her face. Her blinds were open and she was sitting in front of the window, something she had come to enjoy. She looked up at the clouds wishing she could be lucky enough to have wings. She talked to her doctors about getting wings, but to her disappointment they couldn't get that for their princess. She told them she needed to fly away. Of course they had asked her why and she had always turned to the window and shrugged her shoulders. Her reply was always mumbled and short, "She needs me to save her." There was no answer for who 'she' was and the doctors really didn't want to ask. Their prodding could produce an even further induced psychosis.

The blonde hair beauty took comfort in her chair in front of the window. The window represented freedom to others, a way out, which she didn't want. Instead, it represented a way inside, which she welcomed with open arms. Cause if whomever her mind told her 'she' is, then 'she' could just come in. They can live the lives of princesses with Chai teas and rainbow colored pills. They could live inside these white walls and dance around or paint pictures, because Spencer liked the routine she had and she knew that any princess would want to see the future. They could be like gypsies, possibly gypsy princesses. Best of all, then they could both be safe.

Together.

Whoever she is.

** "I think I used to have a purpose  
But then again  
That might have been a dream  
I think I used to have a voice  
Now I never make a sound  
I just do what I've been told  
I really don't want them to come around…"**

Spencer Carlin painted onto a white canvas what she saw in her head. She painted whatever her mind told her to paint, whatever the doctors told her that her mind should think to paint. She has an inkling of original thought swooping into her mind. She tends to have them now and then, something deeper inside her trying to show itself. It never lasts long, these thoughts, but it doesn't matter to her. She welcomes the spontaneous originality of her mind. It makes her days seem less routine, less everyday. As she paints scenes of her imagination out onto canvas, she adds a new color, a color not provided in her regular six colors out on the table. Instead she mixes one color and another to make a bright pink to make the dress for the lovely brunette girl in the photo. She paints her because she knows she'll forget her. Like all the other paintings she did, the ones that her parents took to the gallery, she forgot what was on the canvases. It's alright though because she has this one of the girl.

She doesn't know her.

But she's mighty pretty.

Spencer thinks there might have been a time, a time when she had a memory, that she had a purpose in this world. It would be real purpose in the real world. There might have been a time when she didn't parade around her mind with no purpose at all, just to parade around cause she wanted to. She barely ever spoke of nothing. When Luciana asked her what her goals were, she didn't have any. She just sat there. She was a doll for the doctors to prod around her mind but only to come up with imaginations and nothingness. So, she had no voice to speak up because there was nothing to speak up for. She doesn't really care. She sometimes thinks that there really wasn't a time she had any type of purpose, or voice, or anything. Maybe it was just a jumbled dream her mind is trying to create. Though, she still values those moments of originality.

But then again.

It's just like holding out a piece of candy to a child, taunting the child with the delicious sweets but never giving it over. The simple thought of being somebody, something, speaking out, and not just a doll is very appealing. Spencer sometimes mourns originality. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes she wishes she didn't have such taunting in her life. It would be better for these little 'episodes' to never have happened. Things are simple when they are repetitive. Things are simple when they are all the same. "What is love? Who needs it?" Spencer thinks over and over to herself as she paints. "What is pain? Why feel it?"

When everything is the same there are no surprises.

** "I can feel their eyes are watching  
In case I lose myself again  
Sometimes I think I'm happy here  
Sometimes, yet I still pretend  
I can't remember how this got started  
But I can tell you exactly how it will end…"**

She knew she couldn't breathe but her mind isn't letting the lack of oxygen slow down this tumbling ride down the rabbit hole. Spencer needed to see this; her mind was encaging her to show her this. She was farther into her memory, farther into moments of 'family time' and 'therapy sessions'. She was farther into lucid states and robotic moves. She was sitting in a comfortable chair in the therapist's office. There were four people surrounding her. She was safe inside her mind, but when the lady, Luciana, began to speak to her, she felt as if her voice was trying to yank her out of the safety of kingdoms and fairy princesses. Because Spencer Carlin was a fairy princess then, she might think you should have known that detail. Luciana asked Spencer to describe her life in six words. Almost like a memoir.

Not really there, Spencer answered in rainbow pilled hazed:

"Trust me, it won't be spontaneous."

"I want you and only you."

"Don't even know where to start."

"Was so in love with you."

She was on repeat, like the button in her head was pushed down and she was saying six worded sentences that her brain just magically came up with. Her parents watched their daughter with pain filled teary eyes. They watched the faraway look in her eyes, wondering where she was and why they couldn't have the life filled eyes she used to have back.

Arthur Carlin held his sobbing wife as his little girl recited these words, these small but meaningful sentences in a delirious condition. He held onto the heartbroken woman as if she needed him to bring her out of the clouds. She clutched onto him, mourning the loss of her baby girl, because it felt like she had lost her. Paula Carlin would have given anything to have her found; she would have given her hand in marriage to Ashley if it meant to have her girl back. But even that wouldn't help. Instead she holds onto her husband and her prayers hoping to the Lord almighty to have her baby girl back. It was Glen Carlin who stood with confidence and took a seat at his baby sister's feet. He looked up to her like he was a bright eyed blue eyed boy he once had been in his past. He watched her smile down at him, her eyes already glazed over. He laid his head on her knees and closed his eyes, not noticing his salty tears running down his face. She continued to speak and began to stroke his blond head. She had officially invited him into her kingdom.

She repeated herself.

Arthur comforted his wife.

Paula mourned her daughter.

Glen cried among green fields and white castles.

** "I'm writing on a little piece of paper  
I'm hoping someday you might find  
Well I'll hide it behind something  
They won't look behind …"**

She was crying again. She tends to do that nowadays. It happens after someone you love leaves. It happens after someone you love dies. She had the bad luck cause for her; it was both of those reasons. She was crying because it was just another day without her brother, Clay, and it was another day without her lover, Ashley. She was trying this 'independent' thing and 'standing up for what you deserve' but she never realized that it would become this hard. She knew that she needed to get her feelings out about things. She had spoken to her father hours earlier about how she felt different then she was. He told her it was alright, normal for her to feel different. She asked him if getting deep into her mind was bad and he told her it was normal. It was her way of coping with everything. She smiled and nodded her head but felt uneasy about everything.

It wasn't normal to want to disappear into one's mind.

Tonight Spencer was sitting and writing down what she felt. She didn't have anyone to tell these little things drifting around her mind and eating at her heart. She didn't want to bother her father with them. She didn't feel comfortable to talking to her mother about them. She couldn't call up Ashley; she knew that she was probably at Ego right now. Plus, she couldn't talk to her about how she misses her. She couldn't talk to her about how her heart feels empty without her. She couldn't talk to her about how she hasn't been right since Clay's death. She couldn't tell her about all these little parasites infecting her body and mind to the point of exhaustion.

Spencer reached over and hit the button on her iPod to change her song. The pulsing beat of aggressive and dirty music reached her ears. She felt the edge of her mind being satisfied but she couldn't get everything to feel alright. It just wasn't enough anymore.

It wasn't enough.

She wrote that down onto paper. She wrote with such emphasis and meaning into her words as if she would give this paper, this letter, to the gorgeous girl she used to call her own. She still called her own. Her poetic words flew onto the recycled pages out of a filled diary. She was always told this was the best way to get things out. To write down every single thing she felt, to write a letter to someone, without any intention to give it to them. She often found that notion stupid. "I mean, how does that help anyone?" she thought to herself. She could be right in some ways. How can a person fix all the things you wrote to them if you didn't give them the letter? How would they know? Ashley knew that she hurt Spencer. In some ways, Ashley hurt herself just as much. But Ashley didn't know the extent to which she had hurt Spencer.

Spencer was finishing up her tragic love filled words when she got a text. Her blackberry vibrating silently against her desk making her attention go from the blackening paper to the phone. She put her pen between her lips and retrieved the phone. She read the text message on the screen and sighed. It was from Aiden telling her to meet him at the beach, by the pier. He said it was urgent and needed to talk to her. She felt herself reply back to him automatically saying she would be there in thirty. She could have sworn he was supposed to be Ashley's 'date' tonight, like always. It didn't matter; she was still there for the boy. Sadly.

She took the pen from her lips and wrote the last couple lines in the letter. She quoted a song, the first one that popped in her head that reminded her of the contents of the letter. "So take a look at me now/ There's just an empty space/ There's nothing left here to remind me/ just the memory of your face/ Take a look at me now/ there's just an empty space/ you coming back to me is against the odds/and that's what I've got to face/ I wish I could just make you turn around/ Turn around and see me cry/ There's so much I need to say to you / So many reasons why/ You're the only one who really knew me at all." She signed the letter with a heart and a curvy 'S'. Spencer looked around for a place to put it, a place to hide it that she probably would forget it was there. She looked around for a second before thinking of hiding it behind a photo in the picture frame.

She sighed and took off for the beach, crying the whole way in the car.

** "I'm still inside here  
A little bit comes bleeding through  
I wish this could have been any other way  
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do…"**

She coughed up blood again. She couldn't feel anything, but she knew the warm liquid was pooling down her chin. She felt her eyes become glazed over, like a white fog covering her sight. Spencer looked down at herself from the space above with memorized eyes. She wasn't there anymore, in that body. She would go back, of course, hide somewhere deep, but for now she didn't want to be in –that-- body. She shivered with the dirtiness it held and the bruises that were forming and the blood trickling from places. She just didn't want to go there.

Plus, she didn't like how –he-- was looking at it.

It.

She was now an 'it'.

That was how –he- treated her.

An it.

Aiden looked down, almost in horror, at what he just did to her. He didn't want to hurt her, he swears. He just wanted to talk to her about how all Ashley does was use and use people, he promises. He just wanted to tell her how he finally stood up for himself, he protests. But then he saw her. Then his mind convinced him that –she- was the reason Ashley was a selfish bitch. –She- was the reason he wasn't good enough for Ashley. She was the reason for many things and if she felt the pain that he felt then it would be better. Then she could possibly commiserate with him. What he didn't know was that she already felt his pain to an unbelievable level. She already knew hurt and his actions were just pathetic.

He curled up beside her body, his knees to his chest and tears streaming down his eyes at the intensity of it. It didn't mean to hurt her, but he did. Maybe he did mean to hurt her and he was just feeling the overwhelming guilt from it. Or maybe it wasn't the guilt but the fact the he was going to be in trouble. Spencer watched him without pity and thought it was that he was scared of being in trouble. She really didn't care. She just took pity on the violated and almost dead body beneath her.

She could feel the heart slow.

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

She could see her lips moving, repeating over and over the words that had been playing on automatic. Spencer didn't want to think of the attack. She didn't want to think of Aiden's knife or foot or other appendages that had hurt her. She didn't want to think about how he told her why he was hurting her or that if she didn't stop screaming he would hurt Ashley. Now, Spencer could see that the last one was just a lie, but it caused her volume to lower. Yet, her lips were still moving. They were still using up the last breathes from her lungs to whisper the words stuck on repeat.

Spencer took a seat next to herself, pushing on her chest every now and then to give herself some sort of energy. She watched herself, her body, as it gazed over lifelessly at Aiden. The poor, pathetic loser curled up softy crying to himself. He didn't even have the decency to pull up his pants. Spencer rolled her eyes at him. If he was going to hurt her, kill her, he should have enough nerve to pull his pants the fuck up and run.

Why didn't he run?

She didn't really care. She was starting to feel even more distant from herself. She was starting to feel apathetic about everything. She looked down at the moving lips, pathetically whispering broken words over and over. She didn't care about her safety. It was ripped away from her. She didn't care about her heart. It had already fallen and shattered because of her slippery hands. She didn't care about her body. It was already used. Life had no meaning before. She looked down at her body once more, seeing that the time was more and farther apart. She was almost dead. She could easily walk away from her body. Start her trek to something bigger than what she already was, something much better than what she already had. Maybe even have an Ashley waiting for her. Yeah, Ashley would be her heaven.

Then she saw someone walking towards them. She saw several figures behind that person. The person, a young girl no older than she, was pointing and screaming at her body. The several figures ran past the young girl, examining the scene with intent and knowing eyes. They had seen many scenes like this one before. It was their job to see these kinds of things. Spencer watched them try and try to revive her body as two others went to arrest the pitiful boy. She didn't know if she was disappointed or not when they got a steady heartbeat from the body, but she knew she would have to go back to it.

She sighed and quickly went back to her body, settling into the cool skin. She didn't know any other way to deal with this. She couldn't possibly leave herself there. She couldn't abandon herself after everyone else did. She did sorta kinda maybe love herself. So, what else was there to do? It didn't matter. She closed her eyes behind the open glazed over ones. The last conscious thing she heard before slipping away to unconsciousness was her whispers.

"No, no Ash, no, please don't, no hurt Ash. Please don't hurt Ash."

** "So take a look at me now  
There's just an empty space …"**

She couldn't breathe. She just remembered that she couldn't breathe and she began to gasp for air even more. She began to use up her energy trying to fight for the right to breathe. She opened her eyes and saw her knees, her hands turning white on her kneecaps. She wished she could sigh in contentment at the thought of being able to see, that she could feel her body and that she wasn't locked away in her mind.

The movie was over.

The movie was over and something was different. It was something that Spencer couldn't pinpoint at that moment, but it was different. Her mind was different in a way and it almost scared her to death. She felt the outside world getting in closer; she felt more vulnerable to it. The safety had been shifted a little and the memory of the movie had left residue on her brain. She remembered the tiny bits that it showed her and it wasn't a good thing. It felt horrible to remember it, those things. Everything was jumbled, her brain was scrambled, and she couldn't put two and two together.

She was just trying to breathe.

She grasped for air again, one more time, and then felt the smooth, small hand resting on her chest. Then she heard the small, soothing voice in her ear. And then she felt another hand combing through her locks. She was beginning to feel the easiness of breaths. She took it slow; in and out. The air was filling her lungs and then exhaling from it. Her heart was taking steady and strong beats. She felt the calming hands and gentle voice calming her down, telling her that it was alright.

"Everything is alright," Ashley whispered over and over to the girl, bringing her closer to her. She sat on the step below the girl and had her halfway in her lap already. It took her so much self restraint to not pull her all away and kiss all the pain away. She had seen the blank, terrified look in the girl's eyes only seconds ago. It was lasting for five minutes, five whole minutes of deep fear that the girl wasn't alright. Ashley thought of things she could do to take her out of it. Who would she have called if she couldn't get her out of it? The Carlins? Glen and Chelsea? Who? What if Pan and Ofelia woke up? They would have been terrified.

Ashley didn't care right now though because she could see that Spencer was back with her. Spencer's eyes were glossy and her breaths slow and steady. She was alright and Ashley smiled softly at her and combed back her hair. She whispered softly, "You're alright, I've got you."

Spencer met Ashley's eyes. There was something deep inside her telling her that something wasn't right. She tilted her head and scrunched up her eyes before jumping up, out of Ashley's protective arms. She shook her head, tears leaking out of her blue eyes. She was overwhelmed. She was tired. She was scared. The images in her head were scattered and she didn't understand.

"No," Spencer whispered harshly to the confused brunette. "I can take care of myself." And then she was gone. She took off up the steps to her studio and into the building. Ashley flinched when she heard Spencer slam her window. Spencer made her way into the studio and to the small couch. There was a nagging at the back of her head. Something that she felt she needed to say or had already said. That piece of déjà vu that she always felt.

Then it slipped out of her confused lips, "With some left over to take care of you."


End file.
